the first of many.

a few years ago, something ridiculously insignificant happened one night at a bar. or in a car. or outside of the car.... i dont quite remember the location.
anyway, the lyric "lump slipped on a kiss and stumbled into love" comes in to play in this situation.
now, i should preface this by saying that i am a good person. i have a very organized life, one with structure, but room for spontaneity. i pay my taxes, i have an honest job, i give heartfelt advise and donate money to charities. i paint on the weekends and would probably say that my best quality is my honesty. brutal honesty. the reason i feel the need to explain myself is... this insignificant incident is something that has led to me doing many things that are extraordinarily out of my character. more to come on that.
we all have that person that we invision ourselves marrying if we dont find someone better by age 30. or 40. well, this person (who we'll affectionally refer to as "Y") was mine. well, i thought that. i dont know if they did... but i like to think so.
we met in school, as all true silly romances usually do. i always felt a companionship to Y, thankful for their honesty and willingness to make a new friend. Y was always funny and personable. the kind of person that makes your classes fun to attend... if only because you gossip to each other the whole time. regardless, as funny and charming and moderately attractive as Y was, i never really had a deep interest in them. Y was in the friend zone. which, i have now learned is the most insulting and frustrating of all zones.
Y had someone, I had many someones... over the years. yet we stayed friendly, never going out of our way to see each other but we had a comfortable casual friendship. at one point we made a ridiculous deal that i actually was hoping, at the time, would not come true.

sigh.

Y dated someone for years. that someone was also my friend. i thought they were perfect, adorable, loving, blah blah blah blah blah, for years.

i was introduced to Y's best friend. ive been dating them for years and years now.

do you know that looking back, Y, i realize that there was a point in time where you were in love with me. everyone could see it except for me, you really were....adorably obvious.

and then, i saw it. too late.

the night of the incident, it was only a kiss, was so unplanned and i pushed you away and i wish i didnt. i wish i didnt panic like that. i think due to the surrounding circumstances, and witnesses, that it was a flight or fight knee jerk unfortunate panic on my behalf. god let me try that again.

its been so long since that and i think ive developed a bizarre neurosis about you. and me. and getting another chance at that. how unfortunate am i....pitiful really. you moved on and have since started dating this completely, sadly, undoubtedly retarded (no offense to anyone....errr) person who is completely wrong for you. i doubt that they even know where they are most of the time. and i hate them. i so badly, irrationally but truthfully hate them, because they are with you and they dont even know how lucky they are. and i get the chance to really hate myself, because im still with mine (years.) and i feel like i would still risk it all just to try.

its sad, really.

oh please wait, it will get much more pathetic than this. i promise.

before i go....i wrote so many blogs about this before, and out of fear of being found out (miraculously, it hasnt happened yet) i posted them all.... somewhere. i dont remember where though. not here, obviously. i would love to read them again. i guess i thought putting them somewhere else would help me get over Y. i guess i thought wrong.