the original ramblings.

THE ORIGINAL RAMBLINGS:

Originally posted 6/4/06i know nothing Current mood: contemplative

it puts one in a peculiar place to be ambiguous on any subject or situation. sometimes, it's particularly hard when you know sooo much about one thing, but are completely bored of it all- and know next to nothing about something else, but are next to convinced that it just might be worth it to risk it all and go for it. that's confusing enough, right?
so lets add more nonsense.
what if you feel like your 'possibility' has the same risks. the comforts of what you are used to are extremely hard to give up, but the curiosities of what you could have are extremely hard to resist... where does that put you! i believe the correct answer is:: absolutely nowhere.
on a level of casuality, everything is alright, all the proper introductions have been made, and the reality of something, if anything, is bleak. but is it all so wonderful right now because its all so foreign and kept?
i think at the end of the rambling, especially with this, the comfort zone might be the right place to be, after all, i've fled before and returned with my tail between my legs. but theres something so overwhelming and scintillating about the unknown, so it might be right now. either way, it's another predicament where i have every right in the world to feel bad, yet another time that i question whether i have a shred of morality to myself, and quite possibly the last risk i can take before everything i know gives up on me.
i don't think i know myself. i do, but i don't think i'm done getting to know myself. i think there's so much left to learn before i can even attempt to make an educatied decision on this, or anything. after a day of assessing this situation (you probably think you know, but its not what you're thinking), my love situation, my on-the-verge situations, i am freakishly terrified of committing myself to things, because if it's the wrong decision, i have to kick my own ass for it. but if its the right decision, maybe down the road, it won't be.
i suppose that the phrase 'i would have half the knowledge if not for the lessons learned' stands true- but if you always do what you have always done, then you'll always get what you've always got.
so risk it or not?

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deje un rollo de papel higienico de reserva
Originally posted 8/1/06deje un rollo de papel higienico de reserva

Im so amazed at how inapt we are when it comes to interpreting the things that are put out there.The misunderstandings, the assumptions, the ignorance, the rearrangements of the spoken word, or, in the case of myspace, the written comment or blog. The level of importance that is placed upon some pseudo-intellectual conversation you had with your mind numbing myspace friends.

I keep thinking about joni Mitchell singing youre so vain you probably think this song is about you nothing is about you. Nothing is serious. Im not serious, youre certainly not serious, and the small life you lead isnt as dire nor as serious as you make it out to be. You are not your comments, you are not your emails, you are not your text message, and, in most cases, you are not the words that come out of your mouth.

Nonsensical jokes are funny. Laughing at others at their expense is hilarious. Having something stupid you said a long time ago be misinterpreted into a threat or a devastating lash against your shaky character? Priceless. Stop reading. Stop looking. Stop thinking that because you read the word whore that it is about you. If you read something negative, degrading, insulting or off color and you automatically assume that it is about you, try taking a step back and evaluating your life. You think thats about you? Congratulations, then you dont need me to tell you what you already know. You want to try some other words on for size? Poser. Loser. Lazy. Ugly. Going no where. Bitch. Mother fucker. Relax, theyre just words. Be stronger than my syllables. Think better of yourself.

Truth be told, ninety nine percent of my blogs are in regards to someone outside of my normal parameters. I know better, I know who talks. Heres the summation to take away from this: stop taking it all seriously, and stop talking in general. Youd be amazed at the energy you save.

Dont quote me.
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riddle me this...
originally posted 8/6/06riddle me this...

Ok so a few nights ago I heard someone try to justify something by saying (direct quote):
"Really, when you think about it, love is just friendship on fire. That's why we are so perfect for each other."
SO anyways, i didnt know if that was either the dumbest thing i had ever heard, or perhaps one of the smartest things i've ever heard. I googled this little quip to see what results would come up- there's a few different variations on it, such as:
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. - Ann Landers

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. -Bruce Lee

Hmmm. Well, I suppose someone quoting Bruce Lee is always something to trust, right?!

Any thoughts? I'm still debating.
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if we / dont necessarily regret
Originally posted 8/11/06if we / dont necessarily regret

i guess im dangerous to a certain extent. i guess its an unsaciable lust that pulls you in, some sort of desire for the off limits territory that makes you wonder, for so long, just what it would be like to touch me. to put your lips against mine and feel, even for that second, the texture and the heat that surfaces when pressed together. i guess thats why holding me, even for a moment, is enough to warm your heart, to stir your emotions, because you had that degree of closeness that you always wondered about. i know it wasnt enough to supress your curiosity, i know theres a continuation of the lust, but it wasn't right, it wasnt approved, it wasnt something to discuss later. i guess its a matter of the right thing to do. its not right to look at me that way. its not right to have feelings for something that isnt yours, but could have been, and maybe should have been, all along. perhaps its my fault, because i've always wanted what i cant have, and sometimes i go out of the way, and out of judgement, just to double check that even though i dont have it, i could have it if i wanted to. but, in this case, you made me feel... honestly, you just made me feel. it wasnt a nervousness, it wasnt uncomfortable, it was scary how right it felt. and now, all i can do is wonder... what if after all this time, after all these years of not thinking about you like that, and trying to place you with others, all of our comraderie, albeit scarce due to circumstances, what if i should have... or you... what if we could have been something. i know its stupid to say, and i know at this point its absolutely impossible, after all im.. and youre somewhat... but if i wasnt me, and you werent you. we could have been. maybe. i dont like wondering, and i dont like jeopardizing, but i dont like hiding either. i lied when i said that you would know how i felt about you if i were to die today. i lied because it was inappropriate to tell you, that i always loved you, and i always wanted to be more to you than i have been, and that it hurts to see you with her, knowing how wrong she is for you, knowing how wrong he is for me, and it hurts even more to know that i cant tell you any of it,and that i'll never truly know if you could have felt that way too. its hard to look at you now, into your eyes that dont lie...with mine that tell everything... and pretend that i dont care about you entirely too much. more than you'll ever know.
8-13/14....
I have this problem with getting courage out of nowhere, being completely honest for a second, and then as soon- i mean the split second- that words come out of my mouth, i realize what a world of disaster i could have just released. i am truly sorry that i was so frank with my emotions and words, and i am sorry that in a way, you were cornered into listening to me for those few moments, because i know, as you know, that no matter what words i would have said to you at that point, that it wouldnt have made a damn deal of difference whether i said that i loved you or hated you- what will we ever do about it? we certainly cant make anything out of the something that we have, or maybe its just me that has something, maybe you are completely uninterested and could care less about what i say. or, perhaps youre smarter than i am, and youre keeping a lock on your mouth, something that i should have learned to do years ago, but still cant quite figure out for the life of me. i dont necessarily regret it- NO- I DO NOT regret it. i wish it would have been better than it was, a bit more private, a bit longer, i wish i wouldnt have pulled back, and i certainly wish that it would happen again. but then again, i dont- because i know the world of hurt that we are in for. not you, i'm sorry- that i am in for. i dont want to hurt anyone else in the process of this tumultuous little disaster that i have created for myself, and possibly you. i guess its a good thing that you dont call, or text, or associate unless supervised. id be scared of me too. i just wish it didnt feel so much like rejection right now. i know youre doing the right thing, and im sitting here wishing that you would do the wrong thing, so then i wouldnt have to take all of the guilt upon myself. i understand why you dont meet me, call, etc. like i said, i wish it didnt feel so much like rejection.
innappropriate...original...
well...i tried to copy and paste it. it was good, good words, good writing. and it deleted on accident, and now its gone. symbolic perhaps? just maybe. i dont need to waste any time on you anyways, you cant move on, i wont either.

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bound. et al.
Originally posted 9/21/06bound. et al.

Adendum 1: I suppose it's all a matter of opinion, the way things are perceived and analyzed amongst the different kinds of minds that randomly select this to read. I know I write with some sort of poetic injustice, some of you get it, some of you probably think ive reached a point close to insanity. Regardless, I appreciate your concerns over all of this rambling that I have done. However, all of this talk talk I have done and probably will continue to do over the course of time… it's really not important to anyone but me. It doesn't involve anyone we know, or really that I know, except for me. Truth be told, it doesn't really involve me anymore, as I have since passed up the opportunity and am making a violent attempt every day, from every stand point, to pretend to forget that I just passed up something. I feel the utmost sense of hypocrisy though, because I feel as if I have preached to some of my really good friends that all of these little chances or opportunities that are presented to you shouldn't be ignored, and that there's a lot of regret to wondering what if for the duration of your life. And then, I, who has always thought myself of being this magnificent judge of right and wrong (don't do as I do) and character and had some sort of convictions, or hopes, or sense of adventure…. I don't do something because I'm scared. Terrified actually, to be truly independent. Or self-sufficient. Being called independent is a wonderful comment, because yes, I don't need your money or your assistance with my day to day life, but I do need to know that somewhere deep down you plan on starting… to not need mine. I don't know whether it's a feeling of hopelessness or stress, neediness or violence… but right now, all I want to do is be dependent on someone else. I don't want to have to think right now, or worry, or plan, or make the millionth to do list. I want this all to be taken care of, and thought out for me. I love myself for pushing and striving and attempting, to the extent that I do. But at the same time, I wonder why am I always drawn to the opposite? I love being maternal and caring, and I do over worry and over plan and over predict, but that's all part of my lovable neurosis that gets me by. Lately though, I cant quite grasp the notion of being this way forever. Dote on me please, plan something for me. Be my backbone for once, because the weight on mine is very close the limit. Instead of comparing your sorrows to mine every time I try to vent, understand that although we play different games, mine is ridiculous and tedious, full of complaints and tears and a new Kleenex box a week. Im tired of hearing all the problems. I have mine. I'm tired of saying its ok to these ridiculous people who I have no clue about, nor do I care about. Say its ok to me. Fucking hug me and make me feel better about it all. I don't like listening anymore. I don't like trying anymore. And I don't like my judgement anymore, because right now, all I want to do is change my mind.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
so, its been months since the illicit. long enough to linger...lingering enough to effect...but i guess not effective enough to matter. shall we talk? no. ever? nope. shall we be blissful in never knowing? apparently so. i dont know how to feel anymore, its sort of a devastation that i allowed an ounce of emotion to seep in to these stupid thoughts and sharings of my random whining. but, deep down, it is really important, at least to me. one of the worst feelings in life in uncertainty, or not knowing something. i dont even know 1% of this stupidity. i know there was enough to start, the obvious halt, and now all i do is stupidly so fucking stupidly wonder! i spend my time wondering. before bed...what if. at work...wonder what. driving home, maybe maybe. that one split second stupid but totally important moment of a temporary lapse of judgement and all else...that was completely altering. so now, with breath held, am i ready to embark on something new, to put a stop to something thats completely comfortable, where everyone knows you and you know everyone, to make a stupid jump to where everyone knows you and you know everyone, but god forbid.... just god forbid, that it might be the right thing? how many hazards are there, how can i begin to count. but, at the same time, how many wonderful possibilities can this open. i hate to say that im at a plateau, but i am. i have become utterly comfortable in a situation that will most likely never progress, if it does... slowly, over a long course of time. and then, then this offer to sparkle and to excel comes along, but i cant , because im too scared to voice things. im putting other people and other things in front of my own life and my own priorities because i have this stupid habit of feeling guilty and needing to be needed. how much would you hate me if i left you... for myself. and you, could you get along at night knowing that i was out there, somewhere, doing great, having financial stability, what i've always wanted, before you did? would you be pissed if i flew off somewhere out of a drive time? its all circling, wondering if by not speaking i just burnt off something that i should have done. wondering if i would have fallen flat on my face had i done it. wondering if causing an uproar is worth something, or nothing at all. i suppose its human nature to wonder at all times and at all costs. i want so badly to believe that all of this frustration over this short period of time, and all of the complications that have arisen, make it something that is of potential worth. nothing has been easy, although i didnt think simple things would be so hard. when things fall into my lap, why am i so afraid that they arent of value? Like not having to fight for things somehow makes them completely void of worth. i guess i have had to work too hard. too hard to believe that i might be give something, like a chance. an opportunity. a maybe. im a firm believer that you have to climb and fight to get anywhere good, good things shouldnt come easy. who appreciates what is ever handed to them? i guess me, thats who. i guess, at the end of it all, its a matter of principal. i cant talk about it because i dont want to hear about what i missed out on from my level headed mother figure like friends. i wont talk about it because i dont want to hear how much better off i am staying put from my less ambitious friends. no longer fine, so far from interesting.

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